2/25.
Unless this is your birthday, it is probably an irrelevant date, as for most people. But for me it marks a day that my entire world as I knew it came crashing down without warning. It marks a day that a piece of me, quite literally, died.
At a rather delicate and significant time of my life, I became victim of death’s robbery. A loss that 14 years later, I still find myself often struggling to wrap my mind around. In fact, in recent years, I have come to realize that I’m being affected by it more than perhaps when it first happened. And I’ve wondered if that would be the case if I had allowed grief to finish its work initially.
Since that fateful day, I have learned an awful lot (literally) about death and grief; the most important probably being how important it is to mourn. Mourning is something that scripture isn’t silent on and that Christ himself models for us and yet unfortunately it’s something not many people, including Christians know how to properly handle. I think there are two main reasons for this and in this blog post I endeavor to shed some light on those reasons.
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.”- Romans 12:15
MOURNING IS UNCOMFORTABLE
Generally speaking, mourning is something that is a lost concept and the more as the years go by. Sitting with people who are devastated and hurting and leaning into their pain is something that many find very uncomfortable. In fact sitting with our own hurts and pain is something that we don’t like to do. Be it mourning our sins, or mourning a death or some other kind of loss, we prefer to just rush out of those rather unpleasant feelings by sweeping them under the rug. And thus we tend to expect others to do the same. I’m always struck by the imagery of mourning when reading the Old Testament- rending their garments, donning sack cloths, ash on heads. It is such a stark contrast from what we often see in today’s Western society. No, we need not do these outward demonstrations of mourning, but it certainly says something about these people that they weren’t afraid to be seen mourning.
One of my favorite passages on grief and particularly how to handle those who are mourning, is found in the account of Lazarus’ death. When reading it, I typically focus on Jesus and how he handles the situation but while reading it tonight, my attention was drawn to something else.
“The Jews who were with her in the house consoling her saw that Mary got up quickly and went out. They followed her, supposing that she was going to the tomb to cry there.
When Jesus saw her crying, and the Jews who had come with her crying, he was deeply moved in his spirit and troubled.”
-John 11:31, 33, emphasis mine.
These Jews were in the house with Mary and Martha, mourning with them, crying with them, consoling them for their loss. You know what’s even more striking? Lazarus has been already buried at this point; when Jesus came he had already been in the tomb for four whole days! (Verse 17) I don’t know what the custom was or how long they would have stayed consoling the bereaved had Jesus not shown up and resurrected the dead man. But days after Lazarus was already in the tomb, there they were mourning with those who were mourning.
Contrast that with our world where not only do we not mourn properly with those who mourn but we also rush them through their mourning because it is uncomfortable for us to deal with. We don’t quite know what to do or what to say or not say and we don’t like feeling awkward so we avoid it altogether. Perhaps we attend a funeral and then we call it a day, leaving the bereaved to mostly deal with their loss alone, or worse, hide their sorrow. While this may be typical in the world, it should not be so in the Body of Christ. Besides the fact that we are instructed to mourn with those that mourn, as Christians, we should, of all people know how to console and be there for those who are bereaved, because mourning with those that mourn is a work of compassion. And a Christian that lacks compassion is an anomaly.
The God that we serve is full of compassion (Psalm 145:8); the Bible is chock full of scriptures about God’s great compassion (Psalm 103:13, Psalm 25:6, Psalm 119:156, Isaiah 54:7, Daniel 1:9, Daniel 9:9, Matthew 18:27,Luke 1:78) just to name a few. Moreover, while Jesus was on Earth he exemplified compassion in every way. Over and over in the gospels we read how moved He was when He came across those who were hurting, or sick or outcast and out of the abundance of His compassion, He would heal them. He seemed to have special eyes for those that overlooked and would intentionally seek them out (Matthew 20:34, Luke 7:13, Matthew 14:14, Mark 1:41, Mark 8:2, to name a few) Wonderful, merciful Savior indeed! What’s more, when declaring the beatitudes, he makes sure to include the mourning in there, promising them comfort. So how then can we call ourselves followers of this Jesus, who was so full of compassion that it led Him to put himself and his personal needs aside to attend the needs of the hurting and be found wanting in compassion?
In Colossians 3:12, we are instructed, “Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and dearly loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience,”
If we find that compassion is something that we are lacking in, we ought to pray that God changes our hearts to love like He does. It is not something to excuse or overlook.
Mourning with those who mourn is also uncomfortable because it requires us to be vulnerable and requires us to see those mourning when they’re most vulnerable. And vulnerability is something we spend most of our lives trying to hide, thus when others are facing a vulnerable moment, our first instinct is often to look the other way. Once again, while this may be typical of human nature and the world, it need not be so amongst those who belong to Christ. Vulnerability requires humility and while it may not come naturally it gets easier with practice. And thankfully, we need not wait till someone is bereaved to practice. If the Body of Christ, lives as it ought to, there is plenty opportunity to be vulnerable.
Losing a human being, while a normal part of life on this side of eternity, is no trivial issue. It is not a burden that anyone should be carrying alone. It is less likely to become a trauma when bereaved people are surrounded by those who are not just there out of formality or to rush them through mourning; but rather people who are willing to be uncomfortable and sit in awkward silence if necessary, offering a shoulder to cry on and full of enough compassion to cry with them.
MOURNING IS MISUNDERSTOOD
There’s a practice that Christians especially are notorious for, when dealing with a bereaved person- the implication that mourning/grief is either a sign of weakness or lack of faith. Of course very few would actually say that directly but the things we tend to say and believe about those who are mourning gives us away. Have you ever found yourself telling a bereaved person how strong they are because they are not showing signs of mourning? If you have, you are not alone. But I want to encourage you to stop making a habit of that. In order to do so though, first we must change our mindset of what grief is and understand that mourning and faith/strength are not mutually exclusive. A person can be full of faith and still mourn the loss of a loved one, even loved ones who are in a better place. Don’t believe that? Let’s analyze the story of Lazarus again.
“Jesus wept.” -John 11:35
Shortest verse in the Bible and one that most people are very aware of. But the real question here is why did Jesus weep? And thankfully we are not left to conjure up answers for ourselves, for right in the surrounding verses we are told exactly why he wept.
“When Jesus saw her crying, and the Jews who had come with her crying, he was deeply moved in his spirit and troubled. “Where have you put him?” he asked. “Lord,” they told him, “come and see.” Jesus wept. So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” But some of them said, “Couldn’t he who opened the blind man’s eyes also have kept this man from dying?” Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone was lying against it.”
John 11:33-38, emphasis mine.
Was Jesus crying because He didn’t have enough faith or because He wasn’t strong? Of course not! In fact the kicker of this whole story is the very fact that Jesus intentionally delays when He is summoned during Lazarus’ sickness. He knew all along that He was going to resurrect Lazarus, in fact it was His very plan to do so (John 11:4-6). And yet, when he arrives in the town and sees Mary and Martha mourning, He is so deeply touched that He weeps! How truly profound is this?! So full of compassion! If anyone knew that death was only temporary, it was Jesus. Still, he wept!
It is important to understand how grief works. When a person first looses a loved one, it is normal to go into a state of shock where it doesn’t quite feel like reality to them (often referred to as the denial stage). A bereaved person in this stage may appear to be going about their lives as usual simply because it just hasn’t hit them yet. Should you find a person in this stage and you express either directly or indirectly to them that them not showing signs of grief equates to strength, you take away the permission to mourn. After all, who doesn’t want to appear strong? So then what happens is they either skip out on mourning properly altogether or they do it privately where they have to bear this huge burden alone rather than in the open where others can share in the burden. The other thing to remember about grief is something a wise person once told me- grief comes in waves. Some days are easier than others. Some seasons are easier than others. And in the case of people who don’t get to properly mourn, it is possible to go many many years appearing to be doing pretty well then all of a sudden a trigger brings it all rushing to the surface.
No matter what you do, never rush or prevent a bereaved person’s grief, be it directly or indirectly. From my personal experience, I can tell you that when grief is not allowed to finish its proper work, it comes back with a vengeance. I mentioned in the beginning that in recent years, I seem to have been more affected by this particular loss than when it first happened. Truth is, the past couple of years especially have been rather rough for me emotionally and mentally. And I can’t help but attribute a lot of the internal turmoil I’ve been dealing with to not being able to mourn properly. Regardless of how much faith we have, I believe that the death of a loved one is a huge blow to our beings, and like any trauma, it needs to be handled properly. Death requires mourning. And without going into too much detail, I would say I feel that I was robbed of the opportunity to mourn properly.
I remember that people used to tell me how well I was handling the situation when it first happened and how I was strong. But whatever strength I appeared to have was only God’s grace carrying me through the valley of the shadow of death. And anything beyond that wasn’t as much a matter of strength as it was that I just didn’t really have the option to mourn. So in retrospect I see that I was just sweeping my feelings and reality under the rug, taking them out every so often when I couldn’t bear to hide them anymore. Thankfully, the Lord is gracious and I see His mighty hand at work in my life bringing healing to me in very deep wounds that only He can heal. Yet the process has been grueling and most times I have struggled to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So to conclude, I suppose I’d address those who are bereaved. If this is you, first I want you to know that it is okay to grieve. Do not accept the pressure to perform, to appear stronger than you are. You are not called to be strong in yourself but to find your strength in the Lord. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions, just be sure to take them to the Lord. He’s not afraid of our sadness, He doesn’t turn His nose down at us because of our grief. Rather He comes right alongside us, weeping with us and bringing comfort to our hearts. I pray that the Lord surrounds you with His people who are full of compassion and can love on you and mourn with you and encourage you.
And lastly, it is incumbent that I make an important distinction. Dear believer, it is okay to mourn, BUT do not allow your grief to turn into hopelessness. Remind yourself of the truth of God’s word. We mourn yes, it is expedient that we mourn but not as people without hope. In Christ, even death is defeated! Hallelujah!
“What I am saying, brothers and sisters, is this: Flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor can corruption inherit incorruption.
..in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we will be changed. For this corruptible body must be clothed with incorruptibility, and this mortal body must be clothed with immortality. When this corruptible body is clothed with incorruptibility, and this mortal body is clothed with immortality, then the saying that is written will take place: Death has been swallowed up in victory. Where, death, is your victory? Where, death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!”
1 Corinthians 15:50, 52-57
“We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, in the same way, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For we say this to you by a word from the Lord: We who are still alive at the Lord’s coming will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the archangel’s voice, and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are still alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words.”
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
Loosing those that are in Christ is indeed a tremendous loss but at least we have a lot of hope and assurance of their well being. Unfortunately the opposite is also true. When we loose those who did not belong to Christ, we know that their best days are behind them, not ahead of them. And this can add an extra layer of sorrow if we’re not people who deceive ourselves that every dead person is automatically in a better place. Yet even in situations like that, may we trust in God’s sovereignty and find deep comfort in that. Since this is so, what manner of people ought we to be? May we be so full of compassion that we pray earnestly for and share the glorious Gospel of the kingdom with a sense of urgency to those we love and strangers alike.
In His Love & Light
Ivy