N.B: Taking a little break from my blog series on the church…in the mean time I’ll be sharing some other things that have been on my mind
All over the world, I’m sure you’ll find wives who are frustrated about husbands who don’t help more with household tasks, meanwhile often contributing to the ‘mess.’ At the same time, all over the world are moms raising their sons to be served, apparently exempt from “girl jobs”, because they’re gonna be a husband and the head one day.
We’ve all likely heard the jokes of the frustrated wife who just cannot, for the life of her figure out why her husband’s dirty laundry never actually makes it into the hamper. Or the memes about the husband who actually puts the dirty socks right next to the hamper but still doesn’t quite make it inside. Similarly, I’m sure you’ve heard young unmarried men make comments about cooking and cleaning being a woman’s job when they’re asked to contribute to upkeep of their homes.
Perhaps it’s time to let scriptures like Mark 10:42-45 govern us as we raise our sons, while also raising women who understand our roles in light of the Gospel..
Before I continue, here’s a disclaimer because we live in interesting times and no matter what you say, there are people ready to stone you because of what they think you’re saying, rather than what you actually are saying.
DISCLAIMER: I’m of the persuasion based on scripture that according to God’s design, man is the head of the household. That this is a matter of order, not a matter of value meaning that God’s command to women to submit to their husbands is not because he considers women inferior to men or less valuable than men. I believe that women are called to be the primary homemakers and thus have been gifted with special creativity, as image bearers of God, that allows them to make beauty out of chaos. So if you’re reading this post as a feminist or egalitarian, be sure not to read your personal beliefs into what I’m saying. I want to be clear also that this blog post isn’t addressed to wives but to moms. It is not intended to serve as ammunition for wives to attack their husbands with. Rather, it is simply me sharing a bit of my heart and what guides my decisions as I raise my son. It’ll hopefully serve as encouragement to other moms, especially #boymoms and others who disciple men to pay attention to what kind of heart we’re shaping in them.
WHAT IS THE MEASURE OF A MAN?
Before going on to talk more about gender roles and the Gospel, I first have to lay a an even more basic foundation and talk a bit about society’s traditional view of gender (differences) versus a more biblical one. As a boy mom who would consider myself an intentional mom, I’ve had to come face to face with a lot of society’s expectations and stereotypes about boys and what they should be like. I’ll be first one to tell you that it’s so much easy to just do things how it’s always been done and just go with the flow of society without giving things a second thought. Unfortunately if you’re anything like me, you suck at just doing things without considering first why you’re doing what you’re doing. Especially when it comes to raising an entire human being, I believe the stakes are way too high to just do what everyone else is doing instead of identifying your own convictions based on scripture. Like Romans 12: 2 says, ” “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2
There are many challenges in raising children of course, but I’ve found that in raising boys, the challenges I personally have been met with is in acknowledging the fundamental differences between male and female humans, the respective values and expectations that society has attributed to each gender whether good or bad, and filtering those through the lens of scripture, in particular according to the demands of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Another challenge that presents is that as the world drastically continues to evolve and values are turned upside down, it is so easy to be swept into the waves or go extremes that are extra biblical in attempt to avoid the wave of society
Case in point, the lines are very blurred in today’s society as the world attempts to erase gender completely and thus it requires a lot of carefulness and intentionality to not raise effeminate boys unintentionally. However, I find that often in an attempt to erect distinction, many parents end up with militant views of what a boy ought to be, which often cannot be supported by scripture. There are parents for example who because they want to raise tough boys, they believe that means, from infanthood always being tough with the boy and barely showing emotions even when the child gets hurt. You hear expressions like “oh be a man!” to imply to boys that showing emotion or crying is a feminine trait and sadly we end up with many men who never learned to properly handle emotion but learned to just ignore whatever emotion they may feel or act out when upset. Or worse, apathetic men who can’t seem to understand the emotions of their wives, kids or others. I want to be clear that I’m not implying that men have to handle their emotions the same way that women do. Nor am I saying encourage your sons to be crying over every little thing or to be super sensitive and emotional. I think teaching kids, not just boys, how to bridle our emotions is a worthwhile pursuit, so I’m definitely not saying let them go to town with their little emotions and be led by emotion.
However, as I mentioned earlier, it is important to ensure that we aren’t swinging either extreme. There is a sense in which boys should be trained to be tough and brave in different ways than girls are for sure. However, I think it is also important to ensure that our definition of bravery lines up with scripture, and not just a slightly modified version of what has been passed down to us from the world. A man can be brave and still in touch with his emotions. Consider David the shepherd who is known for his bravado in facing the Giant Goliath, who is brave enough to pry open the jaws of a lion to rescue his sheep (1 Samuel 17: 34-37) yet read through the Psalms and you quickly realize He wasn’t an aloof man or one who didn’t express his emotions. Reading through the Psalms we learn that he was also very much in touch with his emotions and not afraid to lament and cry especially in his relationship with God. All this to say, it is okay for a man to be moved to tears, not only on his wedding day. It is okay for us to show compassion to our toddler sons when they’re hurt and say a simple but sincere “sorry buddy” without worrying that it’s gonna make them not brave. I believe that some of the values we hold to, need to be held up to the light of scripture; and we may need to redefine some terms we take for granted.
WHY WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL
At the end of the day, we have to be careful that our definitions of manhood and womanhood lines up with what we see according to scripture and the values expressed therein. We may see words in there like courageous, and leader, and head, and strong etc etc, but we’ve missed the point if we’re not defining these words according to scripture but according to the wisdom of the world.
Take a look at Jesus’ life for example. He lived at a time where women were really taken for granted and horribly looked down upon. Yet constantly throughout the Gospels we see a Jesus who looks at women with different eyes,who loves and values them and treats them as treasures. He maintained the structure/order of man being the head but yet in his interactions I believe he made it obvious to that society that their way of seeing women and handling women did not reflect the heart of the Father when He made men head. He loved Martha and Mary (and their brother Lazarus) so much that when he saw them crying, He himself wept. (John 11:35) He engaged in an entire discourse with a samaritan woman, knowing fully well that Jews didn’t interact with Samaritans, much less a samaritan woman (John 4:9) When Jesus resurrected and Mary Magdalene is outside the tomb just weeping, Jesus reveals Himself to her first before all the other disciples. And I’m sure you remember who Mary Magdelene is.
It’s not only with women of course, there’s many other instances where he has pity on people and heals them such as the leper in Mark 1: 41. How about the time when he was preaching to the multitude and was empathetic enough to realize that they must be hungry after being with him so long, and not only was he empathetic enough but loving enough to do something about it. (Mark 8: 1-6) All throughout scripture we see a nurturing, compassionate, empathetic Jesus who was constantly showing sensitivity to others especially those hurting.
In addition to the examples we see in Jesus Himself’s life, we see in scripture how a disciple oughts to live. We are to be compassionate as Christians, both male and female (Ephesians 4:32). We emulate God in this, who is known for His compassion (Psalms 135: 14, Psalms 77:9, Isaiah 54:7, Matthew 14:14, Luke 7:13, 2 Chronicles 36:15 etc etc) I’m sure I don’t need to convince you that compassion is a very Christlike trait, and one that we ought to possess whether male or female; but how can we teach our sons to have this if we hold it back from them because they have to be tough?
We are also called to have gentleness both male and female, especially since gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:23, Ephesians 4:2, 1 Timothy 6:11, 2 Corinthians 10: 1, Galatians 6:1 etc) I think gentleness is another trait that is very underemphasized with boys because of the stereotype that boys ought to be brute and destructive in order to be masculine. I’m not gonna deny that generally speaking boys are certainly adventurous and full of energy in ways that seem to be different than their female counterparts. However this doesn’t mean that the measure of masculinity ought to be by how savage they can be, nor should it mean they can’t be taught the value of gentleness and self control.
A LION AND A LAMB
Jesus Himself is known as the Lion and the Lamb. He’s referred to as the Lion of the Tribe of Judah and the Lamb of God (Revelation 5:5-9). I’ve always been very fascinated with this imagery- in relation to God, a lamb but in relation to man a Lion. What does this mean? But even more interesting, why the Lion of Judah specifically? In a nutshell Jesus is a lion in terms of his courage to risk his life for the sake of keeping His bride protected, just as a lion does with his pride. He is not afraid to face the enemy be it the serpent or death itself. He is not afraid to offer up his life if that’s what it takes to save those he loves. He will face anyone and anything, prepared to lay down his life for the benefit of those under His care. He is not afraid to crush the head of the serpent, (Genesis 3:15) and he does.
In the process of being a Lion for the sake of His bride, He’s in the same vein being the lamb of God in that He willingly allows himself to be led to the slaughter house (Acts 8:32), not considering his own will and desire but so that the eternal purpose of God will be accomplished and God will be glorified. He could have sought to do his own will and what pleased his flesh; he was tempted by Satan on many occasions to do his own will but he never once took the bait (Matthew 4:1-10, Matthew 16:23, John 18:11, Matthew 27:34, Luke 22:40-42 etc)
But why Judah? This goes back to a beautiful dramatic story found in Genesis chapters 37 through to chapter 50. I encourage reading and studying these chapters beyond the typical story of victim Joseph it’s been reduced to. (While editing this blogpost, i did a google search and found a great article that sheds light on this, i’ll link it below! )
Judah was basically one of Joseph’s half brothers who decided to get rid of Joseph. He’s the one who suggests they sell Joseph rather than kill him. But then in an amazing turn of events, Judah becomes the highlight of the story and basically redeems himself. Judah assures His Father that he’s willing to put himself on the line should something happen while they take him to Joseph per his request, so that Benjamin makes it back safely to their dad. Lo and behold, something does happen, Jospeh sets up his younger brother Benjamin and now Benjamin is in serious trouble. Rather than seek his own interest and leave Benjamin to suffer, Judah offers himself in place as a sacrifice instead. Joseph is moved to tears and reveals himself to his brothers. This is the sparks notes version, but the full story in scriptures is much more riveting and much worth reading, especially Judah’s speech because it is considered the climax of Genesis and rightfully so.
I’m sure you’ve made a connection by now though, haven’t you? This new version of Judah, who does it remind you of? Jesus of course, who also told His father He was willing to put his life on the line for His brother(s) and unlike Judah, actually ended up doing so fiercely.
There are many other values that can be brought up regarding the world’s definition of masculinity in light of scripture, but the point simply is that we make sure that we are not adopting the world’s definitions and slamming a verse on them. There is one final word I want to bring up, as I transition back to gender roles and that is the word leader or rather head.
GENDER ROLES AND THE GOSPEL
“But Jesus called them to Himself and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. Yet it shall not be so among you; but whoever desires to become great among you shall be your servant. And whoever of you desires to be first shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”Mark 10:42-45
Two years ago I posted this on my facebook status,
“Excessively and or exclusively focusing on gender roles without adequate teachings on the demands of Christlikeness in putting the interests of others above our own leads to selfish, entitled men and women. Before jumping to teach your son/daughter/disciple abut what a husband and wife must be to them, I hope you first teach them what is expected of them as a disciple of Jesus. I hope you engrain scriptures like Philippians 2:5-8 into your children/disciples before teaching them what they must look for in a spouse. The worst thing you can do for a human being already prone to sin and self-centeredness is to give to them what they need to expect from others without rooting it in the Gospel and its demands for a disciple, whether male or female.”
I believe that as Christians, our most fundamental identity should be disciples of Jesus. I don’t mean simply referring to ourselves as disciples to others; I mean when we think about ourselves and our identity, that we identify first as disciples of Jesus Christ before anything else- mom, wife, husband, son, daughter or whatever titles we hold. This may seem trivial but it makes all the difference. Our identity informs how we choose to conduct our lives, and if we identify first as disciples of Jesus it makes all the difference in how we see ourselves and thus how we choose to live our lives.
I believe we do ourselves a huge disservice and stunt our growth if we identify as anything else first before identifying as a disciple. If I see myself first as mom, then disciple, I’m likely to make decisions that may make sense in light of motherhood, but not expedient for a disciple. The same is true for any other identity be it marital status, race, gender, socioeconomic status, career etc. Being a disciple of Jesus Christ first implies that all else must submit to and be guided by the demands of His Lordship.
As we help shape our children’s identity, one thing that is very important to me is to make sure that I emphasize to them what is expected of them as ‘disciples to be’, before worrying about specific gender roles. I think in many orthodox christian circles, and even traditional secular societies, there has been excessive emphasis on gender roles and so little emphasis on the demands of the gospel in the life of the believer that, it has created a huge culture of self-centeredness, ingratitude, entitlement in one party, historically in husbands, leading to bitterness, frustration and anger in their women. I think the same can be said for the unfair expectations women are raised with (good and bad) regarding men and how that can lead to discouragement and anger in their men. But to narrow this down and focus on my topic at hand, I want to specifically address the former.
What exactly do I mean by the demands of the Gospel and how does that apply to parenting, particularly parenting boys? I’ve highlighted just three areas, for the sake of brevity.
CONSIDER THE INTERESTS OF OTHERS
The very basis of the glorious gospel by which we are saved is that once upon a time, Jesus Christ, who is God (John 1:1-3) himself did not consider equality with God a thing to be grasped and stooped so low as to become one of us and not only that but to die for sins he never committed, and not only that but died the most despicable of deaths. (Philippians 2:5-8) This same Jesus tells His disciples what leadership in His kingdom looks like in stark contrast to leadership in the world where those in charge sit around and expect to served. He teaches them and exemplifies to the disciples that in His kingdom, being the head requires following His footsteps in serving. (Mark 10:45)
The hallmark of the Christian life is to live a life of love; as we are told the entirety of the Law and the Prophets hinges on the two commandments- to love God and to love neighbor as self. (Matthew 22: 39-40) According to the biblical definition of love, love is not self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13:5), and in Philippians 2:4, we are told to not look out only for our own interests but the interests of others. So that no matter which way you slice it, there’s really no room in the life of a disciple to be or to raise a man whose definition of manhood is about how best to be served. Contemplating these verses should reveal that we do our children no good when we raise them to have an expectation of being served by their future wives, rather than instilling in them a willingness to serve and to lay down their lives if necessary. What kind of heart are we instilling in our boys?
IT IS MORE BLESSED TO GIVE THAN TO RECEIVE
Often when we think of the phrase, ‘it is more blessed to give than to receive’, it is in terms of money or giving something material, but I believe it’s not just limited to those. In fact in the context Paul uses it, he says “In every way I’ve shown you that it is necessary to help the weak by laboring like this and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, because he said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35) Interestingly he says this in a farewell address to Ephesian Elders, and in this farewell address he admonishes these leaders to be on guard and care for the sheep under their care. He reminds them how he’s sacrificed his own life to ensure the wellbeing and eternal welfare of those he preached to. He says, “but I consider my life of no value to myself; my purpose is to finish my course and the ministry I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify the gospel of God’s grace. (Acts 20:24)
Interestingly, in his epistle to the Ephesians, Paul also exhorts husbands to love and give up their lives, providing and caring for their wives just as Christ does the church. (Ephesians 5:28-30) Peter echoes similar sentiments in his first epistle when he says, “husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker partner, showing them honor as coheirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7)
My desire is to teach my son that being the head one day isn’t a position to use for selfish gain and that his God-given strength isn’t to use to get his way but to be strong enough to endure hardships for the sake of, and sacrifice himself to care for, those that God entrusts in his care. My prayer is that like Paul he won’t hold so tightly to his own interests and wants, but be able to say he considers his life of no value to himself, and actually mean it.
SERVE IN HUMILITY
It is the final hours before Jesus’ death, and he’s at supper with his disciples. Before they know it, he does something stunning- he stoops down low ready to wash their dirty stinky feet! The Jesus, the Lord! Peter is especially mind-blown and in typical Peter fashion, initially refuses to allow Jesus to wash his, not understanding fully its implications. For stooping low to wash their dirty feet was nothing compared to how low Jesus stooped to become man and ultimately to die for man. Thus if Peter was too appalled to receive the feet-washing from His Lord, how would he receive his grand act of service in the passion of the cross? But Jesus’s response is even more outstanding…”If I don’t wash you, you have no part with me.” (John 13:8)
We have to be willing to do dirty work so that those entrusted in our care can be clean, and I mean this both literally and figuratively. As a mom, I can testify first hand the amount of literally dirty (often poopy) work, I have to do in order for my kids to be clean. I think it goes beyond the literal too, where we’re willing to get down into someone’s miry world and be willing to help them overcome. I’m reminded of the parable of the good samaritan who was willing to get down off his high horses, stoop down low to an injured and bruised person and take care of his (yucky) wounds. So often as He traveled and preached, Jesus would stop and interact with people that the world deemed dirty. He was always willing to stoop down and wash dirty feet, just so the person can be clean. And he instructs his disciples to do the same.
The interesting thing is that when we stoop low into people’s mess and mud, determined to help them get clean, it creates intimacy in a way that we wouldn’t have had with them while sitting up high on our horse turning our nose down at them. Odd but perfect example, I have a very private boy for a son, and he’s been like this since he was a wee boy. I (and his dad) get to see parts of him that he won’t allow others (not even his doctor) to see simply because I’m his caretaker and he depends on me to clean him. As he’s been growing and becoming self-sufficient in taking care of himself more, I have had less instances of seeing these intimate parts of him.
By washing their feet, they got to have a part with Jesus. In the same passage in Ephesians 5 that I quoted earlier, it mentions how Jesus loved His bride so much that “he gave himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle.” (Ephesians 5: 25-27) My desire and goal for my son is that he’s not just ready to point out the dirt in the lives of those entrusted to his care one day, but that he’s willing to get down and dirty to wash feet that are smelly, bind wounds that are open, humble himself low enough to meet people where they’re at, especially those of his household and to find the intimacy that comes when you have wholly given of yourself to “make others clean.”
When Jacob is nearing the end of his life, and is blessing his children, it is to Judah that he prophesies and confers the kingship in Israel (Genesis 49:10). And it only made sense. For as Judah was prepared to let go of his personal rights and comfort, to put first the needs of another, he showed that he had the virtues necessary in a leader. It would seem from this account alone, what is truly important in raising a future leader is to cultivate in them an “others-first” mentality; a willingness to be inconvenienced for the wellbeing of others; courage that comes from knowing God is with him, even in times of fear; not tearing down in order to feel important but willing to stoop low and build people up, not looking to take advantage of or waiting to be served, but zealous to serve.
There’s a lot that society emphasizes about what’s important in boys and ultimately men, some good and some anti-biblical. I encourage you to join me, fellow boy-moms and men-disciplers to encourage these virtues (and whatever others we find in scripture), in our male ones.
In His Light & Love,
Ivy
P.S: Here’s the link to the article i mentioned above. Pls note that I am not affiliated with the author or organization in any way and don’t know what their beliefs are. I’m only adding this link because after writing this article and editing, i did a search online and came across it and was very stunned by how well it complements what I had written. So feel free to visit and read but know that I can’t vouch for anything else that may be on that website or even for every single part of the article:) It’s an excellent article though and a great compliment to this: https://www.citieschurch.com/sermons/why-is-jesus-the-lion-of-judah