*If you’ve been following me for any length of time, you probably noticed that all my blogposts from the past two years have been missing from the site, leaving me with only the most recent 4 posts. This wasn’t intentional and due to some administrative and technical issues that apparently cannot be remedied. So I’ll be republishing several of those blogposts.. First up is one of my most popular posts originally published back on July 29th, 2014*

I don’t think my husband and I are compatible. At least not in the sense that the word is usually used. I know jaws are probably dropping right now because stating something like this is almost blasphemous in our current society. Compatibility seems to be everything that makes or breaks a relationship, let alone a marriage. All it takes is a simple google search and several compatibility tests will show up. We go through all the hoops, take all the tests to make sure that we’re going to be compatible with the person we marry. But let me prod a bit and ask, why do we care so much about making sure we’re compatible? What is it about compatibility that really attracts us?

I believe it all boils down to something that’s embedded in the very definition of the term compatibility- being able to co-exist without conflict. And for sure, no one in their right minds should desire conflicts. We do however live in a fallen world, with fallen imperfect people and conflict is inevitable if you remain in a relationship with someone long enough. Going around taking tests to screen partners in hopes that a relationship will practically work itself is not only naive, it’s unrealistic.

Back to my husband and I. Even before we got married, I knew that we had more differences than similarities. In fact, If we had taken a compatibility test, I’m not sure we would have passed. This doesn’t mean we didn’t have anything in common, actually we had what I believe are the most important things- our faith and our worldview- in common. And when it boils down to it, I really believe as Christians and disciples of Jesus Christ, this is truly all we NEED to have in common. We may add whatever else is important to us of course, but ultimately I can’t think of anything else that’s paramount. I would even dare say we don’t necessarily NEED to have similar interests. I realize now I sound real crazy, but humor me and follow along if you will.

•WHY COMPATIBILITY DOESN’T REALLY MATTER•

If a couple has their faith and their worldview in common, they can be drastically different in everything else and still have a successful marriage. Even better, they can have a marriage that honors God. More often than not, seeking compatibility is a cop out. Usually this huge desire for compatibility only reveals how much we make marriage about ourselves and not about God. It’s usually because we’ve made the purpose of marriage to be our own happiness, and we want to ensure that we will be happy throughout our marriage with as little work as possible. Matter of fact, we feel threatened by anything that doesn’t promise happiness, even if it will grow us. What’s one of the commonest reasons we hear about divorce- ‘oh we just weren’t happy anymore.’ We hear it all the time ‘why stay in a marriage if it doesn’t make you happy?! That question alone reveals what marriage means to our society.

But if we realize that marriage challenges us to be like Jesus perhaps more than anything else, we won’t be scared of what the future holds in our marriage. We won’t be sitting around waiting for the perfect one who has all the bells and whistles we demand. We will realize that with every difference between us, lies an opportunity to learn and practice ‘loving as Christ loved, and submitting as Christ did’, without partiality. It’s a means to be conformed into the likeness of Jesus when we love someone that’s difficult to love every single day of our lives, and not just to love her, but to become one with her. It’s a means to be conformed to the likeness of Jesus when we have to submit to someone that’s difficult to honor, every single day of our lives, and above that to become one with him. If Jesus was going around looking for people He was compatible with to have a relationship with them, I’m sure Earth is the last place He would have came. And if we say we want to be like Him, we must know that it’s not an easy journey. It’s not child’s play to deny yourself everyday, pick up your cross and follow Him. But I’ve learned that I’m always happier when I choose to do this, instead of doing my own will.

How about having interests in common? Well, again it’s great to have someone you share interests with and can bond with easily. But it’s not a necessity.

“Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”- Philippians 2:4

Looking out for the well being of your spouse will involve trying to do the things that bring them happiness. This will mean sharing in their interests and hobbies at times. For example, whether you personally enjoy reading or not, if that’s what your spouse enjoys, you can put their happiness above yours and read with them sometimes. And vice versa. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says love doesn’t seek it’s own. You don’t have to go out and find someone who loves to read just like you do. If you happen to have that in common per chance, awesome! If not, it shouldn’t be a deal breaker because it’s not of eternal value.

*THE NON-NEGOTIABLES.*

• FAITH– If anything can always, and under every circumstance be a deal breaker, difference in faith should. I’m not referring to one having faith that can move mountains and the other having faith smaller than a mustard seed. I mean, if you are a Christian and a disciple, don’t marry someone who you know for sure isn’t. And don’t get yourself into a missionary relationship either- you know the ‘I-want-to-marry-him/her-so-i-can-bring-them-to-Jesus.’ Read 2 Corinthians 6:14. Truth is, there is a lot of decision making involved in marriage, and as believers every decision we make, must be based on the Word of God. How then, can you marry someone who doesn’t share this conviction with you and expect to have a peaceful relationship. Either you will choose to do things God’s way, and your relationship will suffer because you’re not equally yoked. Or you will choose having harmony and peace in your relationship, and not do the will of God. Either way you stand at a very dangerous place. I don’t see how any true Christian can dream of a marriage that glorifies God and see an unbeliever as a possible spouse.
• WORLDVIEW– Our set of beliefs about this world is equally important. When we come to Christ, our worldview must change. When I say worldview, I mean:

“the sum total of our beliefs about the world, the big picture that directs our daily decisions and actions” – Chuck Colson/Nancey Pearcey

The hallmark of this definition is the last part, which reveals that the importance of our worldview lies in the fact that it directs our daily decisions and actions. Brings to mind a phrase I love so much-‘orthodoxy leads to orthopraxy’, which simply means right belief leads to right behavior (inevitably). I think it’s important to note that the opposite is true as well. With that said, it should be obvious that It is not enough to be with someone just because they profess Christ as Lord too. If they’re unable or unwilling to change their worldview, marrying them is just as problematic as marrying someone of a different religious belief.

When it really comes down to it, these are the only things that truly matter if you find someone you love. If you desire to be married, I hope this encourages you to look at marriage differently and to look at potential spouses differently. Focus on what really  matters, focus on the things of eternal value, everything else can be worked out. My husband and I don’t need to be compatible, we just both need to look to Jesus. And though we aren’t naturally compatible, I found that as we both strive to be like Jesus towards each other, we’ve been creating compatibility; the kind that truly matters.

Xo,

Ivy