I quite remember hopefully anticipating a much slower paced September after the fairly eventful summer I had. Well turns out I was sorely mistaken because my days have felt just as full even in the absence of weddings and other events that the summer brought. Consequently, my blog has suffered neglect, as per usual. Writing is my form of artistic expression, and as with all creative art, it requires a level of spontaneity. Inspiration can and does hit me at any time but without the flexibility of stopping whatever I’m doing to write in the moment, I’ve found myself relegating this (and other pleasures) to the back burner repeatedly. Being a mommy writer is a special kind of craft, one I’m still in pursuit of mastering. Try as I might however, I’m fully aware that in this season of my life, I may never strike this perfect balance. Why? Because as much as I’m passionate about writing, truth is I’m more passionate about motherhood. I am willing to sacrifice whatever it takes to be the kind of mother I am called to (and desire to) be. Which leads me to a topic that’s been coming up pretty frequently recently and hence been on my mind a lot..The apparently controversial topic of ‘stay at home’* versus working moms.
However, rather than look at it from the usual perspective, I choose to look at it differently, from a personal perspective. I’ve heard women/couples talk about how they can’t afford to have the mom stay home full time to raise the children. I personally think that’s looking at it from the wrong end. For me, it was never a question of if we can afford to have me stay home as a mom. I approached it the opposite way and carefully considered if I could afford not to stay home as a mom. Below are my overarching reasons why I cannot afford not to be at home full time raising my child(ren). Prayerfully, it gives you another perspective to consider if this is something you’ve been struggling with or contemplating.
1. I choose to live my life in light of eternity. I strongly believe that Orthodoxy (right belief) MUST lead to orthopraxy (right conduct). And turns out someone in the Bible named James held this belief as well. In James 2:17 we read, “Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.” My set of beliefs about God and eternity must translate into my lifestyle if I sincerely believe what I say I believe. Well I believe that one day I will stand before the living God and have to account for my life and the lives that were entrusted to me. And on that day, my prayer and my desire is not to be found wanting. I believe that my son JP and any other future children of ours were entrusted to my husband and my care by God. It’s a wonderful blessing and a grave responsibility we refuse to take lightly, out of reverence for God and love for our child(ren). One day, when I stand before the king of kings, I want to be able to say Lord these are the lives you entrusted to me, I gave them the very best of myself, I cared for them mind, body and soul and now I present them wholly to you. I’m desperate to hear him say “well done, you good and faithful servant.” I sincerely want nothing more in life than to be in the kingdom of heaven with my family next to me. I love my family tremendously and I never want to be separated from them, especially not for eternity. And while I know I can’t control that, I can follow the precepts of the Sovereign Lord and as much as depends on me, make His kingdom present in my home.
I want to look my child(ren) square in the eyes one day and say to them “sure we may not have been able to afford all the lovely things this world (fading away)has to offer for you, but we gave you an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade.” I want to be able to say to them that your father and i though imperfect in our love for you, loved you so much that we willingly laid down our lives (our earthly pleasures at times, our fleshy desires and selfish plans) for you because we believed “there is no greater joy than to see my children walk in truth” (3John1:4).
I believe that no matter how many years we are blessed with, life is but a vapor. Life is but a vapor! I just gave birth a few weeks ago yet it’s already been 15 months apparently. Next thing I know he would be a young adult, ready to start a family of his own. I had better be sure I’m sowing into the generations that will succeed us. Moreover, if you’ve ever lost someone close to you, I’m sure you can testify how incredibly short life is. One day we’re here, next day we’re gone. One day my child(ren) will stand before the Almighty. In that moment in time, nothing else will matter besides whether they belong to God. It won’t matter if we gave them this whole world. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to give our children the best this world has to offer. But that can’t be the deciding factor in how we choose to live. I won’t aspire to a lifestyle that promises us wealth and comfortable living at the cost of the more important eternal matters. I refuse to sacrifice my children’s precious souls on the altar of the applause of man. So help me God! This is a frightful matter, the souls of men are precious, worth fighting for, worth investing in. So while I have the right, perhaps even the need, to pursue whatever else is out there for me, I know that not all things that are permissible are beneficial (1 Corinthians 6:12, 10:23, especially in the long run.
2. Needless to mention, raising children who will know and love the Lord and be known by God isn’t just something we can leave up to chance. This is something we pursue proactively. This requires us to be diligent in our parenting and to have the eyes and heart of a shepherd. In John 10:10-13, there’s a passage I’ve come to love and appreciate even more as a mom:
“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep. But a hireling, he who is not the shepherd, one who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees; and the wolf catches the sheep and scatters them. The hireling flees because he is a hireling and does not care about the sheep.”
I believe that we are engaged in warfare as believers. There is an enemy out there, prowling around like a hungry lion, furiously seeking whom he may devour. (1 Peter 5:8) This cunning enemy is especially after families, God’s most treasured institution. His strategy of choice is what I call ISOLATE & ATTACK. As it relates to family, he specializes in isolating the sheep from the shepherd’s watchful eyes, then making a prey out of it. Therefore, as a mom, I have the role of a shepherd to my son and future children. I must have the keen awareness of a shepherd. I’m aware that there’s a thief out there whose sole purpose is to steal, kill and to destroy. Therefore I must be vigilant and wholly committed to protecting my sheep. I must take my example from Jesus, the good shepherd who sacrificed His life for His sheep. I must be willing to lay down my life in a daily manner. There’s some pleasures that I’ll have to forfeit in order to be present in my son’s life. Being a good shepherd means diligently attending to my sheep’s welfare. It requires me to wholeheartedly and tenderly seek my sheep’s best interest no matter what it costs me. It demands that I am present and active in my sheep’s life physically, mentally and emotionally. Most importantly spiritually. I can’t depend on any hired help (even well meaning family) to fulfill this role on my behalf. This is MY job. I can’t expect the same level of commitment, tenderness and love from outside help. There’s a level of innate tenacity and perseverance that God has programmed into us as moms that keeps us going, that makes us mama bears that would protect our babies at any cost. It’s what makes us courageously face the wolf if our child is in danger instead of running away. And it’s what sets a mom apart from the hired help. Unfortunately as much as we recognize physical dangers and wolves and try to protect our children, some of us have been trained to turn a blind eye to the spiritual dangers out there. As a mom, it is me that God has endowed with the intense love, the sacrificial spirit, the fervent and relentless strength along with everything I need to raise MY child according to His standard. As such it is me (and my husband obviously) that God holds accountable to train, discipline and disciple my child.I refuse to live my life in oblivion to the enemy prowling out there. I know first hand what Satan is capable of when he’s given a foothold.
3. We’ve all heard the profoundly true statement that “more is caught than is taught”, with children. While teaching children involves what we say to them, reality is that what they see especially what we model to them is where most of their training and learning comes from. The frightful truth is that children don’t just learn what they see from their parents, but whoever and whatever it is that they’re constantly exposed to. Be it other adults, other children, television, etc. The fact of the matter is that your child is always being raised. The question is who is raising them? I don’t want my little children to have to spend the greater majority of their day away from both parents due to us both being at work pretty much all day. For me, it is important that I’m at home seizing the moments to teach, train, model, correct my growing child. So this isn’t simply a matter of just staying at home with my child. It even goes beyond being in the same room as him. It’s about being intentional in raising him. It requires me to be cognizant of the many distractions surrounding me even at home and to make sure I don’t fall victim and lose sight of my goal. It’s about being alert, sober and ready to work for my child’s soul. In other words, I must be present and attentive. I need to be aware of his heart and the issues of his heart in order to shepherd him properly. This is not work that I can delegate to a few leftover hours a day. The human soul is delicate; Caring for it requires lots of time, lots of attention and lots of commitment. It requires active presence. This is time-sensitive work that calls for consistency. But how can I be consistent if I’m only with him sometimes and others are raising him the rest of the time?
So yes, while I can think of a million reasons why I can’t afford to be a stay-at-home mom, there are just certain things money cannot buy. And in the name of full disclosure, we absolutely cannot afford to live on a single income. But we are committed to this. As such, we’ve had to be creative about ways to make it work. You know what they say, where there’s a will, there’s a way. And the Lord has been our faithful provider!
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that if I chose to focus on all the reasons why I can’t stay home, I would without a doubt be working full time (and some) outside the home. But not a single one of those reasons, matter of fact, not all those reasons combined can stand up to my reasons for staying home to raise my child. In difficult times, it has certainly crossed my mind how much easier life would be if I was working outside too. But at what cost? I’m not gonna pretend it’s an easy commitment because it’s not. It has cost us a lot and continues to, but even with the many sacrifices and hard times I remind myself why we’re doing this. In today’s day and age, there’s very little glory for a woman who isn’t pursuing some educational or career ladder out there, there’s very little glory for a family that chooses not to keep up with the Joneses. But thankfully, God often chooses the simple things to confound the wise. So, for the stay at home momma who finds herself second-guessing her decision, hope you’re encouraged. You are doing gravely important work! Be not weary in the good you’re doing, for in due time you will reap a harvest if you do not give up. (Galatians 6:9) For the working mom who is on the fence about making this decision but anxious/scared, I pray this encourages you and brings you the conviction to make a decision that is not rooted in fear. For the working momma who might be weighing your options, I pray this gives you another perspective to add to your consideration. Of course these are my reasons, yours may very well be different but whatever your reasons, I pray that it brings glory to God.
In His love and light,
Ivy.
“The women of My people you cast out from their pleasant houses; From their children You have taken away My glory forever.”
Micah 2:9
*I put stay at home mom in quotes because there’s certainly a negative connotation associated with the term; one of women sitting at home idly either because they lack the qualification, education or drive to pursue a name for themselves via higher ed or impressive careers. This usually couldn’t be farther from the truth. More importantly though I put in quotes mostly because i can think of more apt titles, considering you’re not just staying at home idly, as any SAHM can attest.